Yep, spot on!

Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves in Hell.
The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....
"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.

Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia ...we love the heat. It's just like a summer's day."

Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two Aussies. He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie, knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting.

"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil. "Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually enjoying it!"

"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"

The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does.... After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.

The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the time of their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"

Kev says...Mate, don't you know? Hell's frozen over!... Collingwood must have won the Premiership!

[font="]An Obituary printed in the London Times........Interesting and sadly rather true


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are incharge).


His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended

from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unrulychildren.


It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not
inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.


Common Sense lost the will to live, as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.


Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son,Reason.


He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. [/font]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
> Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
>
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
>
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
>
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
>
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
>
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
>
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
>
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.
>
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
>
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
>
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
>
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
>
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried
> to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
>Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

>
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bugger?!"

Subject: Animal Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
===========================
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
===========================

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe. For now...

:rolleyes:

While he was up to no good with the sheriff some bugger mounted his horse

while he was up to no good with the sheriff some bugger mounted his horse.

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill , and this is my wife Betty . We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor , bring them down to the laboratory"
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:





"Master Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

F'n'B,

I think you should go stand in the corner for half an hour after that one and contemplate the error of your ways.

I was waiting for something to do with a bolt through the neck and then you go chuck a Julie Andrews on me.

Face the wall, there's a good boy.

SD

Yeah i agree with you on that one shags

Graeme