Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

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FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE OF THE SEASON:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season, " Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. " It represents a candle," he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
And finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."
Cheers Bob

A very loud, seriously unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into
Blacktown Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the
way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice
children you've got there -- are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course
they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look
alike, ya dickead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
would f%ck you twice! Have a nice day"

Did you all hear about skaife signing a new deal with a new team...











Yeah he thought he would sign with the pace car so he could get a few more laps in at bathurst!!!
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1 for the Holdon supporters lol

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An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

OK Bill and Ben are sitting at the bottom of their flowerpot Bill turns to Ben and says "A lub lub" Ben says if you really loved me you would swallow that.
cheers Bob

Did you hear about the guy who went into an auto parts store and said to the clerk, "Can I get a new gas cap for a Commodore?"

The clerk thought for a second and said, "That seems like a fair trade."
Bob

A blonde is driving her Corvette when it begins to run poorly, so she pulls into a service station. The attended raises the hood (bonnet) works on things for a minute and tells her to restart the car. When she starts it, everything is back to normal. "That's great!! What was it?" she exclaims. "Just crap in the carburator" the mechanics replies. "How often do I have to do that" she responds.

Bob

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie
Engineer are all working together one day and they come across a
Lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish,
Which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
The land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of
The Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan,Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
Those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more
About this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet
High, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can
Get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Aussie Engineer sits
Down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water".........

Two women on their way back from a big night out stop off at a grave yard to relieve themselves. one wipes her self with her knickers, whilst the other uses a nearby wreath. the next day their husbands are at the local pub. the husband of the first woman says,
"i had better keep an eye on my wife, because she came home with no knickers last night".
the husband of the second woman replied,
"that's nothing. my wife came home with a card wedged in her a$$ saying, we'll never forget you from all the boys at the council."
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Bob