I can't take all the credit, bloke who was best man at our wedding sent it to me, when ever he sends an email, Brenda's reaction is "Oh no, now what:)"

here's one from another mate

Will I Live to see 80?


I recently picked a new primary care doctor.


After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests,
he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment,
I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think
I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink
beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing tennis, sailing, hiking, or cycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,...

'Then, why do you even give a doodoo?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......



A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Cheers...

I believe it was one of our forum members walking along the beach with his grandson when the lad ran down to the waterline, bent down and started tugging on something.
"What have you got there?" says Grandpa
"Its a beach worm" replies the boy holding up a red worm about a half a metre long.
"Gee thats a beauty" says Grandpa. "I'll give you twenty bucks if you can put it back where you got it."
"Sure" says the lad and runs up the beach, got an aerosol can, gave the worm a spray whereupon it immediately became rigid, the boy then ran down to the waterline and speared the worm back in the hole again.
"Wow, I've never seen anything like that before" says Grandpa handing over a twenty dollar note.
The next day they met on the beach again. Grandpa produces a twenty dollar note from his pocket and handed it to the boy.
"But Grandpa, you gave me twenty dollars yesterday"
"I know" replies Grandpa "but this ones from Grandma"

Oh the smilies I could use for that one.

An 86 year old man walked into a busy doctors surgery and approached the receptionist.

"Yes sir, can I help you" she asked.

"I'd like to see the doctor" he replied

"Certainly sir, and what is the problem?"

He looked around at the crowded waiting room and replied " There's something wrong with my dick". The receptionist became quite annoyed and said "You cant come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that"

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."

The receptionist replied "You've caused a lot of embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private"

The man replied "Well you shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of people if the answer could embarrass anyone"

The receptionist said "Why dont you go out then come back in and start again."

The man, suitably admonished, walked out, waited a few minutes, then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes sir, can I help you"

"I'd like to see the doctor"

"Certainly sir, and what is the problem?"

The man smiled knowingly and said "It's my ear"

"And what is wrong with your ear sir?

"I cant piss out of it".

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to

'Dad.'


With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.


Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it..


Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John





PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.



I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.



I love you.

@ Frank and Brenda,

thats cruel lol I hope my kids dont do something like that.

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

Yesterday was the day before.
Today is the here and now.
Tomorow is a figment of your imagination.

When you go to sleep today (as in tonight) you will wake up today.
because today is the here and now no matter which day of the week you are on.

A cowboy walks into a bar in the wild west and says to the barkeep. Gimme a whiskey.
The barkeep slides a whiskey across the bar and scoops up the cowboys money.
The cowboy throws the whiskey down in one swallow. Spins around, eyes the crowd, unholsters his six shooter, takes aim at the piano player and shoots the tip clean off the cigar in the piano players mouth. The piano player does not flinch, not a twitch, just keeps playing with the shattered stump of the cigar in his mouth.
The cowboy turns back to the bar and says to the bar keep. Gimme another whiskey.
The barkeep repeats his previous performance.
The cowboy downs the whiskey and turns back to the crowd in the bar, takes aim at the piano players bowler hat and shoots a hole clean through the top. The piano player does not flinch, nothing , just keeps playing the piano as before with the ruined bowler on his head.
The cowboy turns back to the bar and orders another whiskey.
The barkeep complies but says as he slides the whiskey across the bar. That's a mighty fine six shooter you got there boy, mind if I look at it. Sure the cowboy says and slides the gun across the bar.
The barkeep picks it up and eyes the pistol from all angles and finally says. It is a fine weapon but I will tell you how to improve it some.
How so the cowboy says, pretty damn good as it is as I just showed you.
No,the barkeep says, if I was you I would take all the bumps and jagged bits of it. File the hammer smooth, get rid of the front sight, flatten the trigger guard out some and then cover the whole thing with bacon fat. Smooth and slippery is the message.
Why so says the cowboy.
The barkeep replies .Why you ask? Well, when Wyatt Earp gets through playing that piano he is going to come right over here and shove that six shooter clean up your ass!